Grateful -- My Aunt Beverly

Yesterday, my Aunt passed away. 

She was in hospice and lived in New Mexico.  I was waiting to hear from others about her status because I was trying to go see her.  I tried to execute this trip as cost-effectively as possible, considering that I have not had full-time income since November of 2023, and mentally prepare knowing that I have my dogs that I would need to travel with because boarding them for the potential week was going be more expensive than just getting a pet-friendly hotel, and in traveling with them, meant flying was out-of-the question, and I would need to rent a car and drive, which from my house was going to be over a 10-hour drive one-way…and I was going to have to do all that by myself.  The trip had a lot of moving parts.  I was encouraged that my Aunt had slept through the night having received the call 48 hours earlier that her health was declining.  I went through signs of enduring trauma: sadness, anger, disbelief, full optimism, and then, full-on determination to see her.  Unfortunately, overstimulated with everything going on in my mind, I stayed up well until after 3 AM the day I was going to drive and woke up at 6:15 AM to be ready for my 7:40 AM Uber pick-up planning to get to the car rental place right before 8 AM. I get ready knowing I have had very little sleep and am about to embark on a very long journey to pay my final respects.  I wanted to hold my Aunt's hand, kiss her face, and read her favorite passage of Scripture – “The Sermon on the Mount.”  All of these things were playing in my mind while standing outside early in the morning waiting for my Uber.  I even called the hospice location to see how well my aunt had slept during the night...and if she was still yet in "the land of the living."  The night nurse confirmed she slept through the night (Hallelujah!  Praise God!), but she did say my aunt was declining quickly and if I was coming--come now.  In tears, I thanked her and hung up as I saw an “UBER CANCEL” message flash on my screen.  WHAT!?  This can't be!  Two...TWO minutes before I was supposed to be picked up...10 minutes after I stood outside waiting for my Uber…THEY CANCELED ME!  My hands were shaking.  I couldn't believe it!  I NEEDED TO GET TO THE CAR RENTAL ASAP, AND NOW THE UBER CANCELED ME 2 MINUTES BEFORE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE LEAVING TO GO!!!  I managed to get back in the app and order ANOTHER Uber and after "securing it”, ON TOP OF CANCELING MY INITIAL UBER, I realized that Uber actually CHARGED *ME* A CANCELATION FEE FOR AN UBER I DIDN'T CANCEL!!!  OHHHHHHH, I was LIVID!  EVERY SECOND MATTERED!!  The new Uber came...10 minutes later, and as soon as I got in the car, I broke down crying as my frustrations with Uber just was enough for my flood gates to open and told her about my Aunt. She was very understanding and was driving erratically fast to try to make up for the sins of her company, but she really couldn't drive too fast (thankfully 😬) because traffic was horrible by then.  What should have taken 10-12 minutes in bad traffic was now a 20-30 minute drive in the horrible traffic we had.  When we got there, she turned to me and said that she was sorry about what happened and to PRAY. 🙏 Amen, sis. 😢 I get the rent-a-car, the process taking far-longer than I would have liked--having to deal with its own set of issues-- and get back home a whole hour later.  😬  I am tired, slightly woozy & delirious from being sleep-deprived, hungry, and know I need to load up the car quickly.  I even warm up some food just to coat my stomach because I feel like I am about to pass out.  My mind is moving in a whirlwind with all of the reasons why making this trip would NOT be a good idea...BUT the image of my Aunt flashed in my mind and that was enough motivation for me to go.  Thirty-five minutes later, the dogs and I are all packed up ready to go and I call the hospice location once more.  The next shift of nurses had started and this nurse was not going to tell me anything except that I really needed to call my Aunt's approved family members to get her medical update from them *BEFORE* starting my trip.  EVERY SECOND MATTERED. 

I text everyone...it is an hour or 2 earlier for my Aunt's family, so I try to wait to call so as not to wake them, but I can't wait to hear from them to start my drive.  Their eventual response about her health is not very helpful anyway, but I am clear that I am committed to trying to see my Aunt one last time.  I tell my family my plans as I am executing them, and they each listen in shock, silently and begrudgingly accepting what they know I am going to try to do, understanding that trying to convince me otherwise is futile. 

Until, 3 hours and 30 minutes into my drive, I get a call, "Can you pull over?”

Me: It’s about Aunt?

“Yes…”

After battling Stage 3 lymph node cancer in her throat for a while, my Aunt passed away on her own terms.  I stayed at that gas station for 40 minutes crying and just unloading the last 2.5 days of events.  The juxtaposition of the emotion of grief overlaid with relief of my Aunt's pain, suffering, and just overall hard life was coming in waves over me like a see-saw: up…down…up…down.  I made calls to my family, to my Aunt's family, to her Pastor.  In fact, it was in the conversation with her Pastor--he is such a great man--that I spoke out loud the decision that I am going back home.  I was coming to see my Aunt, but now, she sees me.  The drive to get to her was going to be another 7.5 hours so I was going to go back home.  My aunt did not want a ceremony or a big event or any fuss, and knowing her immediate family had not thought that far in advance to address the next steps, I thought it best to go back home.  Everyone probably thought I was crazy for yesterday, but I was at peace because I know my Aunt knows I love her and would do anything for her and I really tried.  And now, I didn't have to try anymore and could breathe again and smile at the thought of having no regrets. 

As I was finishing my last hour driving back home, being behind on my daily YouVersion Bible in a Year devotional, I listened to it, and as God would have it, the reading that day was THE SERMON ON THE MOUNT!  🥲😅✝️😁🙌  The very reading I had read my Aunt years ago after learning it was her favorite set of Scriptures.  The very set of Scriptures I was going to read to my Aunt today.  And my heart was immediately filled with joy that God would bless me and honor my Aunt that way and I knew and *felt* my Aunt was with me at that very moment.  I felt her.  I felt God.  🥲🙏✝️ 

I thank God for my Aunt and the time I had with her, what she meant to me, and what love I have for her.  I am at peace.  God's Word is healing and gave me a precious moment to share with my Aunt in real time.  My Aunt was a Believer in Christ, and even in her passing today, she still lives eternally, and shall never die (from John 11:25-26).  God blessed me with tangibly knowing and feeling that gift today. 🥲🙏✝️🙌♥️🕊 God is good. 

I made this song for my Aunt on her birthday a couple of weeks ago…Listening to it now brings tears to my eyes.  Wow…God is so, so good.  🥹

https://suno.com/s/WGOWqPGW0lWoBaFn

SERMON ON THE MOUNT - The Beatitudes

Matthew 5:1-12 NASB1995

[1] When Jesus saw the crowds, He went up on the mountain; and after He sat down, His disciples came to Him. [2] He opened His mouth and began to teach them, saying, [3]  “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. [4]  “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. [5]  “Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth. [6]  “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. [7]  “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. [8]  “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. [9]  “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. [10]  “Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. [11]  “Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. [12] Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.